Unhappy @ work, unhappy with body = unhappy

Today was a hard day ---- upset with work, hate walking in there. And I wanted something yummy so bad, and I really didn't want to go work out. But I did. And I'm glad about that because I feel the habit of working out is taking place.

But I walked in and felt like a whale; i hate seeing myself in the windows. I wish I didn't. All I saw were these FAT, FAT arms, HUGE body and a pin-head. And I wanted to cry. I looked around and there are all these perfect bodies around me, young women, older women, women my age. I want to be small again, I want to appreciate being small. 150 lbs seems tiny now.

I know I should pay attention to the positives and the gains i've made -- I've supposedly lost 2.5 lbs, I'm eating more healthy, I'm working out.

And I am pleased with that. But I want to feel good about how I look. Will that make me happy at work?

When Sarah walked into my office today and she looked so gorgeous and yet she's 7 months pregnant, I felt so dowdy and huge. I don't remember feeling so ugly when I was big before.

I want to feel sexy again and that is only when I'm small. I want to feel pretty and I believe that's tied to my size. I can feel my chin and I know it's a double chin. I want this weight to fall off right away.

But I know that for this to really work and for me to not give up, I need to do this slowly.

I need help -- I need someone to help me stay on this course and be patient. I would go to that counselor but I don't have $25 per week to do that. Flying mom out here is more important to me. Getting my car fixed is more important to me. Paying my bills is more important to me.

UGH --- today was a shitty day for feeling good about myself!